Vogue Knitting Wants You to Take Up a Different Hobby

I bought the pattern for my wedding dress from Vogue Knitting. It’s a great pattern: easy to read, customizable, came with lots of pictures and technique illustrations. Really perfect. So when an email popped up last night announcing a $2.99 sale on all Vogue Knitting patterns, I was pretty excited. Now is the perfect time to start a project like a sweater or a scarf; by the time it’s finished, the brutal, desolate winter will have descended upon Illinois and that cozy fair isle cowl will be the only thing keeping you from burying yourself in a snowbank and waiting out the spring, Cartman style.

I’ve  been knitting for most of my life, so I’m familiar with the extreme hit-or-miss nature of most fabric arts publications. Yet somehow, I was still unprepared for the jawdropping parade of insanity which met me on Vogue Knitting’s site this morning, waving its crazy flag and gyrating in a cabled codpiece. After the first dozen bookmarked patterns, I started passing over anything that didn’t make me audibly yelp in terror. After all, this may be insane, but it didn’t make me want to burn my yarn trunk:

Bender would play poker with this couple.

I’ve bookmarked the 31 craziest patterns, which I will feature here broken up into a few posts over the next several days for your reading enjoyment. Before we begin, full disclosure: I also bookmarked a bunch of patterns that I thought were cute, and I might buy a few. Also, all images link back to the patterns. Anyone who makes me one of these things as a wedding present will automatically win.

I’ll start with a series that I imagine was driven by the concept “If she looks like a space hooker on Xanax, no one will notice what skullduggery she’s wearing!”

Elmer Fudd goes high fashion.

Bang! Zoom! Straight to the moon!

The "duck bill" is her Blue Steel.

Gloveless fingers. VK calls these "fingerlettes," but I prefer to think of them as "a sign of the end times."

Stay tuned for much, much more fuckery tomorrow.

EDIT: But wait, there’s more!

Surprise. I found more of this shit and decided to throw it into this post, a one-stop shop for all your space hooker in knitwear needs.

Her neck has actually been warped into another dimension.

 

Disco's coming back, but now instead of dancing under the ball, you dance with the ball. We're going to need a lot more cocaine.

 

"I am going to have a SERIOUS talk with my agent, as soon as I detach this bear from my neck."

 

This is actually the school uniform at Futuristic Space Hooker Academy. Your hoodie must be at least 3 inches above your furry metallic skirt (they're very strict).

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