I bought the pattern for my wedding dress from Vogue Knitting. It’s a great pattern: easy to read, customizable, came with lots of pictures and technique illustrations. Really perfect. So when an email popped up last night announcing a $2.99 sale on all Vogue Knitting patterns, I was pretty excited. Now is the perfect time to start a project like a sweater or a scarf; by the time it’s finished, the brutal, desolate winter will have descended upon Illinois and that cozy fair isle cowl will be the only thing keeping you from burying yourself in a snowbank and waiting out the spring, Cartman style.
I’ve been knitting for most of my life, so I’m familiar with the extreme hit-or-miss nature of most fabric arts publications. Yet somehow, I was still unprepared for the jawdropping parade of insanity which met me on Vogue Knitting’s site this morning, waving its crazy flag and gyrating in a cabled codpiece. After the first dozen bookmarked patterns, I started passing over anything that didn’t make me audibly yelp in terror. After all, this may be insane, but it didn’t make me want to burn my yarn trunk:
I’ve bookmarked the 31 craziest patterns, which I will feature here broken up into a few posts over the next several days for your reading enjoyment. Before we begin, full disclosure: I also bookmarked a bunch of patterns that I thought were cute, and I might buy a few. Also, all images link back to the patterns. Anyone who makes me one of these things as a wedding present will automatically win.
I’ll start with a series that I imagine was driven by the concept “If she looks like a space hooker on Xanax, no one will notice what skullduggery she’s wearing!”
Stay tuned for much, much more fuckery tomorrow.
EDIT: But wait, there’s more!
Surprise. I found more of this shit and decided to throw it into this post, a one-stop shop for all your space hooker in knitwear needs.